Absorb The Holy Knowledge Contained Within The Sacred Spork Scriptures…

Ah, hello, our fellow worshipers! This is the Spork Bible. In this you will find out what the Spork has done for man and what man has done for the Spork. This is not a very common bible, in fact this is the only place you can find these ancient documents. So absorb this information. And if you take it seriously… you may eventually become one with the Spork. And the Spork will be your savior, find you worthy, and one day… become one with you.

Many believe that the Spork is a man-made food utensil. Those of you who think that shall rot in hell. The Spork was made from the very essence of every living and non-living thing. It is the ultimate. The Spork is God! If you do not believe me then please listen to this little point. God is the perfect being. The Spork is the Perfect thing. See what I mean. Since god is perfect..he has the form of a Spork. So therefore..God is a Spork. Once the mighty Spork was created it looked around to see that there was nothing to see. The Spork soon decided to create the universe. After a few seconds..the universe was made. The Spork was still lonely though. So The Spork decided to create life. At the time The Spork made simple organisms. After a few years had passed, he decided to create evolution. So the organisms evolved into complex Antelope. The Spork loved his antelope and called them all Bubby. Now the Spork could talk to his creations. The Spork was thrilled. everything was going fine until The Spork thought of something called natural selection. The Antelopes ate each other to stay alive. Only one Antelope lived through all of this. His name was Bubby.

Bye-Bye Bubby

Bubby evolved into a new type of being. It was called the Human. The Spork created other animals for the Humans to hunt. Bubby was an odd-looking human. He did not look like you and I. He had the torso, arms, and legs of a human. But on his head he had antlers. The Spork was angry at what he created and decided that he should destroy this defect. Twas a stormy night. Bubby was hunting some food. As he was about to throw his spear A bolt of lightening hit the spear. After getting electrocuted a tree fell on him. After he was squashed by the tree a pack of wolves came along and ate him. Since The Spork Didn’t like the fact that Bubby was still somewhat intact inside the wolves stomachs, He blew up the wolves with a few lightening bolts.A few years later The Spork Finally recovered from its horrible mistake. Bubby was dead. The Spork had to try again..but this time he needed to succeed. The Spork was Impressed with the Human side of Bubby.

So The Spork decided to create his new life from that half. A few seconds later the first true human was made. The Spork was quite pleased with his handiwork and soon named the Human God. The Spork gave God the abilities to watch out for himself. God was quite intelligent. Before the day had passed God had made himself weapons and a home in which to live. The next day God went hunting and brought back a mass amount of food. The Spork was impressed with God’s strength and stamina. One day God asked The Spork if he could create another of his kind so he would not be lonely. The Spork agreed and made the first female. She was a beautiful woman. God was quite pleased. A few Years later the Spork noticed that other forms of life on the planet we’re increasing and getting smarter as well. The Spork feared that God would be tricked and killed. So The Spork told God of the impending danger. God thanked the Spork for his warning. For the next few days God was very cautious when he went to hunt for food. God Loved to travel. So each day he would set out for a new place. On one journey he met up with the mighty Leviathan. The battle between God and Leviathan took 10 days and 9 nights. At the last night..God plunged his spear into the eye of the enormous beast. God watched as the beast lie dead in the ocean. The Spork was very pleased with this. One The next day The Spork Removed a piece of his body and created a sword out of it. He gave this sword to God. God was over joyed. God knew that he held the mightiest weapon that would ever be known. God continues his journeys. He met up and defeated many a foe. He had killed Medusa the Gorgon, The mighty Cyclops, The Behemoth, and many other foes. The Spork Was thinking of making an entire race of Humans like God. A few days later God had returned home to his wife.

The Forbidden Garden Salad

Everything was going fine untill temptations was brought to the world. God was on one of his walks and had come upon a great Garden Salad. God noticed movement in a bush next to him. A knife and fork popped out. “Welcome to the Garden Salad Of Eaten”Said the knife and fork. God walked into the Garden Salad. Just when god was about to help himself to a giant cherry tomato, The Spork Spoke. “God…Do not eat the food here…it is forbidden!!” God looked to the skies. “I understand..I shall not eat any of this then.” God got out of the Garden Salad Of Eaten and went home to his wife. When God arrived he told his wife of what he encountered. During the next few weeks food had become scarce. The only animals left to hunt were far too fast for God to hunt. The next day was the day when evil, and desire came to the world. God’s wife had woken up before him. She silently walked out of their house and headed for The Garden Salad of Eaten. She was greeted by the Knife and fork. She walked passed them and entered the Forbidden Garden Salad. She started to eat the many types of vegetables. The Spork was very angry. The Spork threw a lightening bolt down upon God’s wife. Everything in that area was destroyed. A few hours later God awoke to find his wife missing. He ran around his house looking for her. Suddenly he stopped and his face went pale, he knew where his wife had gone. She had gone to The Garden Salad of Eaten. God ran to the Salad as fast as he could. When he arrived he fell to his knee’s and started crying. He knew what had happened. He could never forgive The Spork for this outrage. For the next few years God tried to get as close to The Spork as possible. eventually God had become The Spork’s second in charge. The Spork trusted and loved his dear creation. God hated and despised his creator. One day The Spork decided to sleep in. This was God’s chance for revenge. God created many more humans on the earth. Then God snuck into The Spork’s room and smashed The Spork into bits.

The pieces of The Spork rained down from the heavens. God had become the new Ruler of earth.

Spork, once again ruler of the Earth.

It was the year 1999. The month was December. The day was the 31st. One day before the new millennium. God was worshiped by millions of people. God sometimes abused his powers and created nasty things. Like El Nino for example. The world was nothing less than screwed up. Gods mistakes had created horrible things such as: School, Guns, Clinton, and many other things. Hell had most definitely come to earth. Was would become of the world at the end of the millennium. It was the day of the final conflict. Good against Evil. The world would either be lead into the light of the new day or into the fires of Hell. The Spork had almost been forgotten about. But fortunately there was still many who believed in the Spork. So on this day..The Spork was brought back to life. The Spork climbed into the Heavens to destroy the Evil God. The two stood facing each other. God with a lightning bolt in hand and The Spork with razor-sharp Points sticking out of its spoon-shaped head. God threw a lighting bolt at the Spork. The power of God had no effect on The Spork. The Spork then spoke. God….I created you….And I can destroy you as well. The Spork charged head pointing at God. The Spork went right through God. Evil had been forever vanquished from Earth. There was much rejoicing among the humans. At 12:00 am The Spork sat in his throne and reclaimed his place as eternal ruler of Earth.

~ Behold This Knowledge, And Learn. For These Are The Ways Of The Holy Spork ~