The Spork Cult Rituals
The Baptismal Ceremony of the Spork
Though all sporks have a certain cherishable quality to them, after baptism, a spork is truely a prominant entity, deserved of infinite respect. The ceremony does not require any particular setting, and only requires one prop: a glass of a supremely rated carbonated liquid known as Dr. Pepper. The ceremony entails dipping the spork in the Dr. Pepper and letting the fluid drain through the prongs while reciting the ancient ritual verse: “Ko-man-bow-ee-shee-nee orchie-livo-tangerinie oo-ee-mo-zoo-ie dunk.” (emphasis on “dunk”).
Treatment of Sporks
Sporks are delicate items, and so the baptized spork must be treated with care. Sporks should never touch the ground, or likewise be placed in a situation of danger or filth. If for some reason they do get dirty, a proper washing ceremony should be conducted within a week of the tainting. Washing should be done in a carbonated drink of some type, preferably Dr. Pepper, but not necessarily. Mountain Dew, Coca-Cola, or even (gasp) Mellow Yellow will suffice. The spork should be dipped head first into the liquid, twisted 180 degrees thrice, and then removed and dipped into water.
Burial of a Broken Spork
If a spork is damaged, it should be given a proper burial. One must return to the site of aquisition of the spork and complete the ceremony. Pour vinegar oil all across the spork, making certain that the entire spork is covered with oil. Quickly, as soon as the drenching is completed, the spork must be buried and covered next to the foundation of the establishment of aquisition. No ceremonial verses are necessary, as it tends to be an emotional time for those involved.
