- Evils Which Will Be Cleansed From This Earth By The Almighty Spork -
Beware my fellow worshipers, there are many other items and/or people that are being worshipped. None but the Almighty Spork are the one true and Holy. Here, for you, is a list of evil idols which are being worshipped, so you can avoid them at all costs.
The False Idol known as Cheese Steak
The Cheese Steak: This is a terrible item that many beleive is greater than the Spork. DO NOT worship this truly evil fiend. The Cheese steak will turn its greasy back on you and you will be left alone without any form of salvation… save The Almighty Spork.
Cutlery Sales Person(s): We have been informed of another evil which threatens all who worship The Almighty Spork. It is in the form of the evil Cutlery Sales Person. It seems that these evil spirits roam this earth from home to home selling what they peddle as “Cutlery.” This would be fine and almost excusable, HOWEVER it seems that these fiends vend all cutlery BUT sporks. Do not be fooled, as this is yet another attempt to lead the world astray. But fear not, for in the near future, legions of independant and faithful followers will be going door to door selling nothing but Sporks, thus creating a way for all of us to own a glorious representation of The Almighty Spork and one of the utmost holy relics.
The 4-Pronged Spork: Beware, followers, for as much as it may resemble The Almighty Spork it is actually one of the most ancient implements of evil. Non-believers created these abominations to try and take over the place of the true Spork. These unholy sporks should not be mistaken for the real thing. They will one day be destroyed by The Almighty Spork.
The Fork, The Knife, and The Spoon: These four things are not quite evil but there must be made the distinction that they are far from gods. They are all the failures of man’s pitious attempts to recreate to one true Spork. They all lack something special which is represented in The Almighty Spork. It should be known that they are all mistakes and should be treated as mistakes. That is all there is to be said on these forfeit entities.
The Foon: These “foons” are a hideous alterization of the one true Spork, which makes them evil, for they are an attempt to change the face of The Almighty Spork and replace it with some kind of horrid graven image. This is rising as one of the Spork’s greatest enemies. And the Spork does not take kindly to His unholy counterparts…
The Garden Salad: Another evil of this decaying world would indeed be the original Garden Salad, and all its reincarnations which have been passed down and survived through all the years. As we all know, in the Holy Spork Scriptures, it is what started the whole problem with god in the first place. Avoid these incarnations of evil at any cost. Thank you, Becka, for informing us of this horrid evil which we, in even our own holiness, carelessly forgot. May the Spork bless you, child.
The Cough Syrup Cup: Well it has recently been brought to my attention that the cough syrup cups that, at one point or another, have been brought to the lips of all loyal spork followers. The holy Spork Bible is not quite complete, but there are few other sources out there, and from one source it was found that the mighty Spork created cough syrup for god when he was sick. At that time god used a small Spork to take the holy concoction. I’m not sure if this part is accurate or not but also cough syrup was meant to taste nasty so god would not fake being sick as much, but the unholy cough syrup cup and “sweeter” cough syrups have changed all that. That part of the information leaves much speculation, but unless proven otherwise I suppose like everything else we read…it’s accurate. Thank you David for sharing this information with all of us Holy Spork followers. May the Spork watch over you.
